The Empty Stocking Mom
It all begins with an idea.
December 2023
Have you seen the video going around about a mom on Christmas with an empty stocking? The dad pans across the living room to showcase all of the amazing gifts for everyone in the family, even the dog. But last he lands on the mom, sitting there with a bare stocking. The mom sitting empty handed had purchased all of the wonderful things for everyone else in order to make their holiday sparkle. As the dad is laughing in the video, mom seems to be taking it all in stride but if you look closely you can see the sadness, the mask she wears once again for the sake of her family. I imagine part of what has made this video so popular is that it’s unfortunately relatable for us Empty Stocking Moms out there. Apparently this is a thing. So sad.
I remember very clearly my Empty Stocking Mom Christmas because honestly I don’t think I was ever the same. Like the viral video everyone in our family had stockings bursting with great and thoughtful things I purchased and selected with love. My stocking on the other hand only had my share of the bagged candy we divided up between us, that I also purchased. On Christmas morning as we groggily entered the living room to assess our bounty, my husband started laughing hysterically. I looked over at the stockings only to see my sad limp empty stocking next to 3 overfilled, beautifully curated masterpieces. OK maybe I’m being dramatic but the fact is he didn’t think to put a single thing in my stocking and seemingly enjoyed the stark distinction.
There’s nothing funny about humiliating your partner. There’s nothing funny about devaluing the person you pledged to have and to hold until death do you part. There’s nothing funny about being an Empty Stocking Mom and as for me I made sure it never happened again.
But I need to be real with you. That Christmas shook me to my core. I stayed in bed for days and didn’t get dressed or shower. I cried like I had never cried before and believe me I’ve cried my share of tears. I questioned everything I had done in my life to get to this place. Was this it? Was this my life now? I had the house, the husband, the career, and the 2 kids. What’s left, years and years of holidays like this feeling overlooked and unworthy of consideration? My faith had been a shaky one up until this point but as they say sometimes it’s those rock bottom moments that send you to your knees. For the first time in a long time I asked God to help me find a way through this and find more to life. Let me tell you God did not disappoint.
After a riveting “suck it up” speech from my husband, life moved on, as it does. The following spring I received an unexpected email about a fellowship program in my field of study. I applied and was accepted! I was so excited about this fully paid for opportunity that would open doors for my career. At the very same time I was hand selected for a new position that was a stepping stone for a cutting edge program that would be opening. God was starting a new trajectory for me that would forever alter my life. So 3 years and 2 degrees later I became the first director of an autism program in my school district. I opened that program from scratch, picked out the furniture, hired and trained the staff, and even planted the flowers out front. I was worthy after all and not at all overlooked and forgettable as I thought I was on that Empty Stocking Mom Christmas.
Over the next several Christmases I bought some pretty awesome stocking stuffers for myself and my family. And as the years go on my daughters make sure my stocking is never empty. But my Empty Stocking Mom Christmas changed everything. It turns out that there’s always more to life. It’s just that sometimes you have to find a way to fill your own stocking and trust God with the rest.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Have It All
It all begins with an idea.
June 1, 2024
There’s nothing like spending 3 days alone in the woods to make you feel grateful for what you have. Well, my dog was with me and one of my dearest friends popped by, but that was the most alone time I’ve had in awhile. Moms don’t really get alone time. Sure the house may be empty for a night, but not days of only yourself to keep you company.
I love spending time in nature. To me there’s nothing like a gorgeous mountain view with the perfect blue sky as a backdrop. I’ve been obsessed since I was 10 years old and saw mountains for the first time when we moved across the county. I rediscovered my love for them during college, living an hour from the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. We would go play in the icy mountain streams and hike in packs along some of the most picturesque trails I had ever seen at the time. Those were some of my fondest memories from my college years.
So fast forward to last week when I needed a reset, a change of scenery, and decided to camp. In a tent. By myself. What was I thinking? I ended up at a walk-in site that was pretty secluded, about a quarter mile from the parking lot. Don’t get me wrong it was amazing but there were definitely moments when I thought I might die. There may or may not have been bear noises during the first night and I felt haunted by the words “I have been waiting for you” scratched in the dirt near my campsite. Nature brought wind and the threat of rain, but mostly my time was filled with peace. I stared at the campfire, listened to music, talked to God, and contemplated life. I hiked, I napped and read books in the open air, and took probably the best/worst shower ever known to mankind.
When I got home I slept like a rock, you know that good sleep that comes after doing something hard. Later that day something hit me. I was having a conversation that usually would annoy me but instead I felt this immense gratitude. I felt so grateful for conversations, even annoying ones. Grateful for my cozy bed and my dog who hopefully would’ve protected me from that hypothetical bear or serial killer. Grateful for my kids even though they never put their dishes in the sink. Grateful for the blessings I often overlook because I’m often too focused on what I don’t have.
I do that. I think too much about things I want, things I think I need or deserve that I’m actually missing out on all the things I already have. In reality I have everything I need. Things don’t always work out the way we envision them but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t good in our present circumstances.
I think that’s a secret I’ve been missing out on. Each moment of our lives provides an opportunity for joy by being fully present. Even in difficult moments if you really lean in you can find it- a few extra moments in the car with some good music when you’re stuck in traffic, deepening connections by providing comfort to someone who is hurting- moments that challenge us in ways that can make us stronger and more compassionate if we let them. Even when we wouldn’t have chosen that for ourselves. Life is a gift and every precious moment, good or bad, is a part of that gift. I don’t even want to say anymore that good things are coming because then the focus is still on the future and not on the present. The present is really all we have. The past is gone and our future is yet to be seen. So for now, in this present moment, I absolutely without a doubt, have it all.
If Only…
It all begins with an idea.
April 12, 2025
We’ve all said these 2 little words, “if only",” hoping our circumstances were different. If only I had that job, that car, or more vacation time. If only my relationship were different or my child wasn’t sick. But that’s not how it works, does it? We are always searching for things that are just out of reach. It’s human nature but we are also living in a “me first” era. Everywhere we look we are told that our happiness is our one goal in life. But if you really think about it, happiness is not a sustainable goal. As soon as we get the thing we desire, the happiness fades and we are on to the next thing to make us happy. Some of us get stuck in this loop and can even be willing to sacrifice our friends, family, and morals in order to pursue this elusive happiness.
Well I’m here to tell you that there’s a different pursuit that will actually fulfill you and is quite sustainable…values and purpose. Before you come at me, research supports this fact:
People with a sense of purpose report less anxiety and depression than those without.
People who report living a life aligned with their morals and values report higher levels of happiness.
Sure there are other things we need such as safety and stability. If you do not feel safe or do not have a stable living situation, you need to work on that first (and I hope you are able to get the help you need to change your situation). Fun and freedom are also cited quite a bit as being correlated with happiness but not to the extent as purpose and values. Studies show that wealthy people generally report higher rates of happiness (to a point) but also interestingly enough, people with disabilities, terminal illness, and other heavy life circumstances often report higher rates of happiness and satisfaction. So what might make a person with a disability happier than the rest of us?
Gratitude seems to be at the root of the “disability paradox.” When you appreciate your life, you tend to live with a sense of purpose that pulls you out of your “me first” thinking. But purpose can take many forms- volunteering your time, donating to a cause you believe in, being kind to strangers. There are a million small ways to have purpose and some get called to bigger ones. Being a mom has a purpose. As does taking care of an elderly parent or working in a human services field.
Living your values can be a bit trickier because you have to really know what you care deeply about and consistently take stock of how this lines up with how you are spending your time and resources. For example if one of my core values is honesty, but I work for a company that I know is not honest, it will affect my happiness because I’m living outside of my values. You can justify it all day and ignore it but it will affect your health and wellbeing. This may be why we are all sick but that’s a blog post for another day...
I am guilty as the rest of us of getting stuck in the happiness loop. I was hiking this morning with my dog when I came across someone reading a book by the water. I kept walking but when I saw that he was still there when I looped back, I felt a nudge to go talk to him as there might be a purpose there. After a few minutes of small talk I went on my way. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I was frustrated that nothing really seemed fulfilling about the interaction…until it hit me. It’s not about me. Maybe that interaction had a purpose for him, or maybe my “me first” realization was the purpose.
So I want to encourage you whether you’re walking your dog, facing a huge diagnosis, or stuck in the happiness loop, to take time to discover your purpose and values. Get out of “if only” and “me first” thinking. It may just be the most satisfying thing you ever do.